I arrived in Halifax after an exhausting 5-6 hour drive in a Civic. I get so carsick when I'm in smooooth riding cars. Luckily my aunt is a talker; we shared some good conversations along the way. I always love seeing my family. There's so many of us that I couldn't possibly know them all... But I'm gunna try C: FAMJAM
I can't sort my thoughts enough to write music. There are so many things going through my head that I want to write about. The problem is: I can't narrow my thoughts down enough to sum how I think and feel lately and put it in a song. I can't wait until september when I'm actually going to have a place I can honestly call home.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
New Beginning
This is the start of a new leaf! I've done a lot of thinking, talking, and disagreeing. The more I think about how to be happy, the more it makes sense to me and the easier it seems. Being me, I like to share my thoughts with others, and this is where I hit the bumps in the road. I realized how rare it is to know how to be happy. It seems simple to me, but when I think about my background, I think about how my upbringing and my decisions I have made for myself made me open my eyes.
After my first year on my own, I had no one to blame for my misfortunes but myself. I learned to let go of the pain in my past and focused on what I learned from it. It is nearly impossible for humans to learn until they experience the consequences of failing. I would say pain is the motivation but that's where we go wrong. Focusing on the pain of an experience without looking at what we have gained through it prevents us from overcoming our failure. Instead, we deem it impossible.
I have learned that my thoughts lately, are not widely understood. I believe I am on the right track, but not fully there yet. I have come a long way from who I was in Jr. High, and it took me a long time to be proud of who I was then. But I don't live for my 14 year old self; I live for today and learn for tomorrow. I believe I know the right path to happiness so I've been trying to share it with others, not only to share my insight but to gain some more insight. The insight I gained was that it's hard to think about this kind of stuff and most people don't want to. So this is where I've been running into my frustrations—people. I'm not gaining much understanding from other when I share my thoughts because they typically defy social norms.
Social Norm: the normal and typical behaviour of a society. BLEGHH. This is where capers get it wrong. In order to be happy you have to understand that being different or defying social norms is okay, as long as you're not hurting anyone. To be comfortable ini your own skins requires a certain amount of ability to say fuck it and fuck them because they don't matter. Capers are all about manners and being nice to strangers but they're the first ones to talk behind your back or gossip about the neighbours.
Negativity: evil aahahaha
It's a poison within the human mind. It makes us doubt others, but most of all, it makes us doubt ourselves. It's so easy to care about what people think when you know how much gossip happens when you're not around. If others judge you so harshly, it's easy to have a low opinion of yourself.
Lesson: The easy road doesn't lead to happiness.
Within this society you have to fight for yourself because it is not built around happiness. Society is built around money, fear, and indulgence.
When I was younger (and not much younger) I was always afraid to ask a question unless I pretty much knew the answer. In order to have the confidence to raise my hand, I needed the confidence to do it. Unfortunately I used to care too much about what my classmates thought and not enough about what I was actually learning. Long story short: confidence is key. We need confidence in ourself to be able to say that the social norm, isn't right, at least not for you. It's okay to be different, just don't be different for the sake of being different. Do it for yourself.
As soon as I learned how to make myself happy and to be happy alone I figured things out. This is where relationships get in the way. As soon as you center your entire happiness around one person you lose who you are. Essentially, giving up yourself for somebody else. Make yourself happy, because regardless of what people think, no matter how much you love someone, you can't love them the way they deserve until you learn how to turn the love inwards as well. Well at least it causes a lot less problems ahaha.
This is my new venting tool because I think my friends are getting tired of my vicious rants. Mostly because I'm talking out my ass and arguing with myself. Figuring things out as I go. Applying what I learn to tomorrow.
After my first year on my own, I had no one to blame for my misfortunes but myself. I learned to let go of the pain in my past and focused on what I learned from it. It is nearly impossible for humans to learn until they experience the consequences of failing. I would say pain is the motivation but that's where we go wrong. Focusing on the pain of an experience without looking at what we have gained through it prevents us from overcoming our failure. Instead, we deem it impossible.
I have learned that my thoughts lately, are not widely understood. I believe I am on the right track, but not fully there yet. I have come a long way from who I was in Jr. High, and it took me a long time to be proud of who I was then. But I don't live for my 14 year old self; I live for today and learn for tomorrow. I believe I know the right path to happiness so I've been trying to share it with others, not only to share my insight but to gain some more insight. The insight I gained was that it's hard to think about this kind of stuff and most people don't want to. So this is where I've been running into my frustrations—people. I'm not gaining much understanding from other when I share my thoughts because they typically defy social norms.
Social Norm: the normal and typical behaviour of a society. BLEGHH. This is where capers get it wrong. In order to be happy you have to understand that being different or defying social norms is okay, as long as you're not hurting anyone. To be comfortable ini your own skins requires a certain amount of ability to say fuck it and fuck them because they don't matter. Capers are all about manners and being nice to strangers but they're the first ones to talk behind your back or gossip about the neighbours.
Negativity: evil aahahaha
It's a poison within the human mind. It makes us doubt others, but most of all, it makes us doubt ourselves. It's so easy to care about what people think when you know how much gossip happens when you're not around. If others judge you so harshly, it's easy to have a low opinion of yourself.
Lesson: The easy road doesn't lead to happiness.
Within this society you have to fight for yourself because it is not built around happiness. Society is built around money, fear, and indulgence.
When I was younger (and not much younger) I was always afraid to ask a question unless I pretty much knew the answer. In order to have the confidence to raise my hand, I needed the confidence to do it. Unfortunately I used to care too much about what my classmates thought and not enough about what I was actually learning. Long story short: confidence is key. We need confidence in ourself to be able to say that the social norm, isn't right, at least not for you. It's okay to be different, just don't be different for the sake of being different. Do it for yourself.
As soon as I learned how to make myself happy and to be happy alone I figured things out. This is where relationships get in the way. As soon as you center your entire happiness around one person you lose who you are. Essentially, giving up yourself for somebody else. Make yourself happy, because regardless of what people think, no matter how much you love someone, you can't love them the way they deserve until you learn how to turn the love inwards as well. Well at least it causes a lot less problems ahaha.
This is my new venting tool because I think my friends are getting tired of my vicious rants. Mostly because I'm talking out my ass and arguing with myself. Figuring things out as I go. Applying what I learn to tomorrow.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Nothing Changes
Here I am—awake. Even though it's only 12:25, I really should be in bed, especially after this morning's incident. I always know when I've slept in because I wake up feeling absolutely rested. Then that terrible moment where you look at the clock occurs and panic mode is flicked on... I don't think it was a huge deal that I was late but I still felt horrible. I hate being late for work. Unfortunately, I hate waking up even more. Luckily, the day at work FLEW by.
Besides another boring week of training, I have a few things planned for the weekend. One, I get paid on Friday [WOOTS!]. As soon as I am done at work on Friday, Court and I are taking on the circus (or as out of towners may know it—the fair) for the first time in years. Last time we went we had a blast so this should be interesting. I am especially excited because they have the Sea Dragon there this year. Ever since a little girl I have wanted to go on that ride, but I was always too short. This year: me and that Sea Dragon will meet. It shall be magical. Other events occurring this weekend shall be the drive-in and paying off some debt... yay.
I really wish I could motivate myself to work out. I'm letting myself go lately and I don't like it at all. I know I am too weak to diet or cut out certain foods, much too weak. My McDonalds bet has been going along well; about two weeks McDonalds free. No one thought I'd make it this far... only three more months to go *gulp*. I've replaced McDonalds with baked goods and subway, lovely.
Already school is stressing me out. It's three months away and it's already fucking stressing me out. First it was looking for apartments, then I gave up on that and decided to go on residence again. Then it was my courses, they're alllllll fucked up right now. I had to send an email to the dean of science to try and get into a class that is full, we'll see how that goes. Then it was me and Stephanie talking about MCATs and med school. Every time I think about either I can feel my breathing shallow and my heart rate speed up. Working as hard you can for something that you almost know you are never going to achieve is a difficult reality to accept, but if I don't try, a miracle can't happen. My plan is to have a couple back up plans; I currently have three. Who know's which road I'll take when I reach that intersection in my life.
I suppose I should wrap this up soon and try to sleep... My latest pre-sleep routine is Super Mario. Since I have a desk in my room now, I can lay in bed and play games on my beautiful monitor (how I love you 24" samsung). Although mario sounds pretty good right now my guitar is staring at me, screaming, "PLAY MEEEE, WRITE MORE HALF SONGS". The thought of not being able to finish one more song makes me want to smash my beloved guitar into pieces. Nothing is more frustrated than hitting writer's block half-way through something.
Anyways, I suppose I should stop procrastinating and actually hop into bed.
Goodnight,
Erica
Besides another boring week of training, I have a few things planned for the weekend. One, I get paid on Friday [WOOTS!]. As soon as I am done at work on Friday, Court and I are taking on the circus (or as out of towners may know it—the fair) for the first time in years. Last time we went we had a blast so this should be interesting. I am especially excited because they have the Sea Dragon there this year. Ever since a little girl I have wanted to go on that ride, but I was always too short. This year: me and that Sea Dragon will meet. It shall be magical. Other events occurring this weekend shall be the drive-in and paying off some debt... yay.
I really wish I could motivate myself to work out. I'm letting myself go lately and I don't like it at all. I know I am too weak to diet or cut out certain foods, much too weak. My McDonalds bet has been going along well; about two weeks McDonalds free. No one thought I'd make it this far... only three more months to go *gulp*. I've replaced McDonalds with baked goods and subway, lovely.
Already school is stressing me out. It's three months away and it's already fucking stressing me out. First it was looking for apartments, then I gave up on that and decided to go on residence again. Then it was my courses, they're alllllll fucked up right now. I had to send an email to the dean of science to try and get into a class that is full, we'll see how that goes. Then it was me and Stephanie talking about MCATs and med school. Every time I think about either I can feel my breathing shallow and my heart rate speed up. Working as hard you can for something that you almost know you are never going to achieve is a difficult reality to accept, but if I don't try, a miracle can't happen. My plan is to have a couple back up plans; I currently have three. Who know's which road I'll take when I reach that intersection in my life.
I suppose I should wrap this up soon and try to sleep... My latest pre-sleep routine is Super Mario. Since I have a desk in my room now, I can lay in bed and play games on my beautiful monitor (how I love you 24" samsung). Although mario sounds pretty good right now my guitar is staring at me, screaming, "PLAY MEEEE, WRITE MORE HALF SONGS". The thought of not being able to finish one more song makes me want to smash my beloved guitar into pieces. Nothing is more frustrated than hitting writer's block half-way through something.
Anyways, I suppose I should stop procrastinating and actually hop into bed.
Goodnight,
Erica
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Kicking and Screaming
Let's start this off with you're pathetic, also blocked. You call me out on being a selfish person who used you for my own personal gain, but if I'm that bad of a person, I'd love to know why you even bother. Just trying to make my life miserable? Make sure I know I'm a bad person? Well, unfortunately (for you), it's not working; you have no right. Anyways, I'm done with that—for good.
In other news:
I started my training at Stream. Today was my third day and it already feels like I've been there a life time. It's easy to the point where you go insane with boredom.
This is my third attempt at a new post. I start writing and just have so much going through my head that I just have no idea what to share and what not to share. The reason for sharing that little tidbit of information is because I'm considering giving up—again... Instead I'm going to post some photos from the past few days. Sound good?! GREAT! I'll start with the oldest.
I'm too lazy to even tell what any of these photos are... Awesome.
I also noticed AFTER I posted this that Blogger's photo uploaded posted all my photos backwards. So, instead, they are newest to oldest. Sue me.
In other news:
I started my training at Stream. Today was my third day and it already feels like I've been there a life time. It's easy to the point where you go insane with boredom.
This is my third attempt at a new post. I start writing and just have so much going through my head that I just have no idea what to share and what not to share. The reason for sharing that little tidbit of information is because I'm considering giving up—again... Instead I'm going to post some photos from the past few days. Sound good?! GREAT! I'll start with the oldest.
I'm too lazy to even tell what any of these photos are... Awesome.
I also noticed AFTER I posted this that Blogger's photo uploaded posted all my photos backwards. So, instead, they are newest to oldest. Sue me.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Bloggin', Like A Boss...
Such a lazzzzy day. I didn't fall asleep last night until about 9-10AM, slept until 4PM (I rock). Although, as late as I did sleep-in, I don't feel bad. I woke up—and was bored instantly. I am currently still in PJs, my day so far has consisted entirely of playing guitar, creeping people on Facebook, killing zombies, and being a cranky pants, and the only reason I will change from PJs today is so I can go pick up my nightly nom (Chinese tonight!).
Why do some people tell you to fuck off and get out of your life, but when you do just that they won't leave you alone? I want to snap back so bad, but I know that is wrong; that will only bring about an argument I do not want to endure. If he wants to talk, he'll talk to me with respect and not like a 15 year old. Snarky remarks are not the way to get a reaction out of me. When you talk to me like an adult and think about what the hell you're saying, that's when I'll have a conversation with you and try to sort things out. I do not like when things go so wrong with people I am close to but I am patient and will not tolerate accusations.
Anyways, ENOUGH WITH THE LAME RANT. During my sleepless night I had a burst of creativity and started writing again! The song isn't even depressing, which is kind of a first for me... The tradeoff I got for losing the depressing undertone is MUSH. It's a love song that came from no where. I am not currently in love, not even close. I don't even have a love life to speak of at the moment. It's a reality that I am content with as I am in no rush in my life. I am assuming the song is speaking of what I actually want in a relationship, no funny business. I don't want a marriage like relationship, I want a friend who I can have fun with, no expectations, no pressure, just company whom I can laugh with, watch a movie with, and will be there when I wake up. I've realized the most essential feature I am looking for in a guy is that he can make me laugh, difficulties are inevitable, but are easier to overcome when you can laugh about how silly we can all be sometimes.
I'm currently watching the survivor final with my mom. We had a girls night tonight, which was a nice change of pace. We actually had a few good conversations on the drive to Hong Fa and back. We talked about dating, friends, religion, etc. It's nice to have a real, intelligent, and mature conversation once in a while, especially with someone who you rarely talk to below a screaming level of volume.
On a completely different (and geeky) note, I am considering buying a mobile internet plan. I started pricing them online at Rogers so if anyone has any thoughts or tips with Mobile Internet, please share. I know I don't want one of their netbooks with the built-in Rocket internet as I could find a much better netbook for a lot less than what they are advertising. I also know for sure I don't want another contract, I'll save up to buy the internet stick myself. The stress of one contract is enough for me, two would be overwhelming. The data plan I would choose is something I am entirely unsure at this moment. I never go through much data on my smartphone, I think the most I have used in the run of a month is 140mb. I'm thinking either a 1 or 2GB plan. I am currently between two netbooks as a FUTURE purchase—the Asus Eee PC Seashell (Karim Rashid Edition) and the new (not even released yet) Sony Vaio P Series. I have never been a fan of Sony computers, EVER, but the new upgrade and look on the P Series has serious potential. I will most likely wait for some reviews on the Vaio P before I make any decisions because Sony's history with computers being an epic fail is undeniable.
So geek rant is over. I'm annoying today haha! As a closer I will talk about my fading relationship with twitter. I was so into it about a month ago and now I forget about it alllll the time. I try to post occasionally, but like I said, I always forget about it's existence, almost as often as I forget about my deviantart...
Why do some people tell you to fuck off and get out of your life, but when you do just that they won't leave you alone? I want to snap back so bad, but I know that is wrong; that will only bring about an argument I do not want to endure. If he wants to talk, he'll talk to me with respect and not like a 15 year old. Snarky remarks are not the way to get a reaction out of me. When you talk to me like an adult and think about what the hell you're saying, that's when I'll have a conversation with you and try to sort things out. I do not like when things go so wrong with people I am close to but I am patient and will not tolerate accusations.
Anyways, ENOUGH WITH THE LAME RANT. During my sleepless night I had a burst of creativity and started writing again! The song isn't even depressing, which is kind of a first for me... The tradeoff I got for losing the depressing undertone is MUSH. It's a love song that came from no where. I am not currently in love, not even close. I don't even have a love life to speak of at the moment. It's a reality that I am content with as I am in no rush in my life. I am assuming the song is speaking of what I actually want in a relationship, no funny business. I don't want a marriage like relationship, I want a friend who I can have fun with, no expectations, no pressure, just company whom I can laugh with, watch a movie with, and will be there when I wake up. I've realized the most essential feature I am looking for in a guy is that he can make me laugh, difficulties are inevitable, but are easier to overcome when you can laugh about how silly we can all be sometimes.
I'm currently watching the survivor final with my mom. We had a girls night tonight, which was a nice change of pace. We actually had a few good conversations on the drive to Hong Fa and back. We talked about dating, friends, religion, etc. It's nice to have a real, intelligent, and mature conversation once in a while, especially with someone who you rarely talk to below a screaming level of volume.
On a completely different (and geeky) note, I am considering buying a mobile internet plan. I started pricing them online at Rogers so if anyone has any thoughts or tips with Mobile Internet, please share. I know I don't want one of their netbooks with the built-in Rocket internet as I could find a much better netbook for a lot less than what they are advertising. I also know for sure I don't want another contract, I'll save up to buy the internet stick myself. The stress of one contract is enough for me, two would be overwhelming. The data plan I would choose is something I am entirely unsure at this moment. I never go through much data on my smartphone, I think the most I have used in the run of a month is 140mb. I'm thinking either a 1 or 2GB plan. I am currently between two netbooks as a FUTURE purchase—the Asus Eee PC Seashell (Karim Rashid Edition) and the new (not even released yet) Sony Vaio P Series. I have never been a fan of Sony computers, EVER, but the new upgrade and look on the P Series has serious potential. I will most likely wait for some reviews on the Vaio P before I make any decisions because Sony's history with computers being an epic fail is undeniable.
So geek rant is over. I'm annoying today haha! As a closer I will talk about my fading relationship with twitter. I was so into it about a month ago and now I forget about it alllll the time. I try to post occasionally, but like I said, I always forget about it's existence, almost as often as I forget about my deviantart...
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